i was there, and i was loved till i wasn’t anymore.
one° my mother taught me what it is to blur a picture with white lies so they look like the empty sky, to make it a perfect picture till we are, we are a perfect picture. we are perfect, we are perfect, we are, I promise we’ll never be anything but.
two° i have learnt how to build weak cemented walls near me, so when i need to hide, they’re close enough. they’re big enough to hide me, but not strong enough to hold me. but don’t worry, they’re easy to build, never ending supply of walls. break them, build them, break them and build them again. but they were never sound proof so it’s funny that when the sound of my loud cries spreads in this small confinement, no one comes to my rescue. but maybe, my voice was never mine, just noisy sounds supposed to be camouflaged with the walls.
three° my mother always had this one line at the tip of her tongue, it was her favorite line. broken records and broken chords don’t compare to her voice. “you have no reason to cry, you have everything. you are everything, don’t you dare cry.” or, or, or sometimes if she wanted to add more, “i have enough to worry about, stop crying now.” so I would, I would suck in my tears, my eyes would burn but it’s okay, mummy has enough on her plate, my tears might drown her so suck it up, don’t be a baby, don’t cry, you have no reason to cry, you have everything. you are everything.
four° I have been taught how to treat boys like stones and never rocks, they can’t be trusted. they wear too many masks and one wrong step, they can ruin me, ruin me, ruin me. this phrase still echoes in my head every night before i go to sleep. a boy with a pretty smile will give you sleepless nights like an insomniac at 4am, a boy with pretty hands will make you carve designs into your skin like pumpkins on halloween, a boy with pretty hair will give you his mother’s ring and feed you half truths like pinocchio’s long nosed lies. and a boy with a pretty smile, pretty hands, and pretty hair will ruin you, ruin you, ruin you till you’re everything but smiles, ruin you till you’re everything but flesh, ruin you till you’re everything but you.